Have you been struggling to find success in the dating world? Has navigating a relationship felt messy and uncomfortable? Whether it’s dating apps or bar meetups, you just can’t seem to get the pieces to fit quite right.
There could be a scientific explanation for your troubles and that would be attachment theory.
What Is Attachment Theory?
The concept of attachment theory begins where we all begin. As we enter the world as newborns through our infant years, all of our communication falls on crying and unintelligible noises. It’s the responsibility of our caregivers to read those cues and provide a meaningful response.
This is where an attachment style originates. The relationship we have with our caregivers during our developmental years dictates our style formation. One of four main attachment styles then develops.
Secure Attachment
A secure attachment is the ideal, healthy style to have. This occurs when caregivers respond effectively and meet the needs of their child. In this productive environment, the child learns how to become independent, but knows they can count on their caregiver in times of need.
This secure attachment style leads to healthy relationship development in adulthood. When entering into a relationship, you’re more likely to have a strong sense of self and an established independence. You have a better foundation for open and honest communication.
With your background, you’ll be less inclined to become codependent on your partner, nor will you fear your partner abandoning you. Your attachment lends itself to trust in your partner and the relationship you’ve built.
Anxious Attachment
An anxious attachment style stems from growing up in an environment where the caregivers are emotionally unavailable. Children don’t understand how to fully process adult emotions, so this instability can lead to confusion and fearfulness. Fear that they’ll be left on their own. Fear that there isn’t anyone who cares or is looking out for them.
When you form an anxious attachment, you’re more likely to have lower self-esteem. That fear that you experienced as a child carries into adulthood and transfers to potential partners. You fear your partner will leave you or generally think the worst-case scenario. This can lead to anxious behaviors like clinginess and jealousy, even when it isn’t warranted in a situation.
Avoidant Attachment
Avoidant attachment styles are the product of caregivers who were cold and displayed little emotional variation. Being emotional is considered a weakness, and it wasn’t something that was taught or talked about. While the caregivers may have meant well, there is an element of emotional neglect where parenting is concerned.
As you grow into adulthood, this avoidant attachment makes it difficult to form close relationships with others. You never learned how to properly feel and express your emotions, so you aren’t as open and free. You’re more likely to hide your feelings than to share them. In a relationship, this distance can give the appearance that you don’t trust your partner or that you might have commitment issues.
Disorganized Attachment
Also known as a fearful-avoidant attachment, a disorganized attachment style is indicative of abuse, trauma, or another negative event that occurred during childhood, often at the hands of a caregiver. In a perfect world, the people responsible for you are supposed to keep you safe and protected. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case.
As an adult, this attachment style can make you weary of the person you’re dating. You may have a desire to get closer to them, but have this unwavering voice in the back of your head that worries you’ll get hurt. It can lead to unhealthy dynamics and even relationship sabotage.
After reviewing the four attachment styles, it’s obvious that a secure attachment style can lead to the best outcomes. If you’ve developed a different attachment style due to childhood circumstances, you have the power to change it. Contact us to learn more about couples therapy, attachment styles and the impact on your dating life.
